"I'm Going to Die Alone"

I’m a glutton for punishment, there is no denying that. But I do things I will later regret nonetheless. One such thing is watching The Bachelor/ette/In Paradise shows. I don’t watch as often as I do, but when I do, I get hooked for a few seasons.

The newest season of Bachelor in Paradise started this past Sunday, and ooh boy, am I already hooked. The virgin might get pregnant, men cry, fights break out, and that was all in the previews for the season! I can’t wait to see what really happens!

One thing that really stuck with me from last night’s episode is something Ashley I, a.k.a The Virgin, said. The entire time she’s been in “Paradise”,(which has only been a week in the magic land of TV) she obsessed over one of the guys. Because she found him attractive, any time she would sit near him and try to strike up a conversation, she’d “clam up” (her own words, folks). She would feel super awkward and not know what to say to anyone. But when she saw other people talking to her crush (which, according to her is a phenomenon since she never likes guys), she freaks out. The one thing she kept repeating before the rose ceremony was the title of this blog post.

I sympathize with the poor girl up until that point. I’m shy too, I have a hard time talking to people I find attractive; I can't think of things to say and get super awkward when talking to any guy. But there are a couple of differences between the two of us. The first one: SHE LOOKS LIKE A FREAKING MODEL! She is beautiful, and any guy that doesn't find her attractive is blind in both eyes! I, on the other hand, can barely look at myself in the mirror. She has curves in all the right places, and my curves can afford to lose a few inches.

Second difference between us: SHE SIGNED UP TO BE ON THIS SHOW! While I have dabbled with the idea of signing up to be on the Bachelor and meet a guy looking for love, I know I would never make it. I look nothing like the girls that go on to be the future Mrs. Bachelor, or even go on to be the next Bachelorette. I would never make it, because I am not these guys’ type. The Virgin, on the other hand, she was picked by producers to be on The Bachelor, she was his type, and from what I remember, she got pretty far. Not too far, but far enough to get the attention of the Bachelor viewers.

Now, if a girl like this is saying something like that on national television, and she feel this bad about herself, WHAT CHANCE DOES THAT GIVE ME IN THE REAL WORLD??? I feel like that constantly. I am so afraid I am going to end up dying alone. I am in constant fear that everyone is looking at me, silently jesting to themselves about the girl reading a book on the train, looking so depressed and alone, aww poor thing she’ll never find anyone. Or seeing the shy girl with her friends at the bar, standing in the corner looking so lost because all the girls around her are so much prettier, so much fitter, so much better looking all around than her.

Ashley I, you need to grow up and let the people who might actually die alone and unloved complain and cry about it. It isn’t fair that not only do I have to fight against myself every day to get out of bed and plaster on a smile to get through the day, but now I have to think about how to get the one up on all the famous pretty people crying they have no one.

That’s it for this post. Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.

Let's Go Lick the Liberty Bell!

Hello Dear Readers!

It’s that time again, the time where I find a spare minute in my day to update you all on my doings. Aren't you excited?!

It’s been a little over two weeks since my last post, but I have some exciting news. I crossed another couple of things off my bucket list! I am very excited, and will even share a picture to provide proof (no, the picture will not have me in it. My apologies, readers).

Earlier this week, I was in the wonderful state of Pennsylvania. While the state is very big, I was only in a small part, the area around Philadelphia. My sisters and I visited a couple key tourist locations, the first being Valley Forge. Did you know there were no actual battles fought at Valley Forge? It was only an encampment for a winter during the Revolutionary War. That being said, the soldiers battled cold, starvation, and disease during the winter, and the young men that came out of that encampment in the spring of 1778 were trained Military men (sorry for the history lesson, I thought it was fascinating). While we were there, I twisted my ankle, and scraped my knee. What am I, 12? That dampened our spirits a little, but still we trekked on.

Our next stop was the Eastern State Penitentiary. The jail had once been “home” to the real life Scarface, Al Capone. His cell is still intact, and you can see the furniture he had in his room. Because he was an affluent man, he got away with a lot more than other inmates. I could go on and on with the information I learned on that tour, but I will spare you all the boring details. Just know that it was a very interesting experience, and I had quite a bit of fun, even though by that point, I couldn't bend my leg from the scrape I got.

I came to find Philadelphia is just like the big city I work in, the only difference being that all the streets go one way, but driving through the city is just as hectic. After we checked into our hotel, we found a nice place for dinner, and after we had our fill, went on a ghost tour of Philadelphia. I’m not sure why we went on it to be honest. I have never seen a ghost, and the ghost stories they sometimes tell are just too wild for the imagination. We also just happened to have a tour guide that liked the sound of his own voice waaaaaay too much.

Now dear readers, you’re probably wondering what all this has to do with licking the Liberty Bell, as it says in the post title. Before I get to a recap of my second day in Philadelphia, I want to tell a little story. As I have talked about before, I watched the show How I Met Your Mother, almost religiously. If you know the show, you might see where this is going already. In one episode of season 1, Barney and Ted go on an adventure to PHILLAY! to go and lick the Liberty Bell. When I saw that episode, all I wanted to do was go to Philly and lick the Liberty Bell (I knew it couldn't be done, but it was a nice idea all the same). And by God, when Ted licked the Liberty Bell, he said it tasted like freedom.

Back to my recap. The next morning we wake up, and I did not want to go anywhere, but we had to get to the center of the city. We went for a reason, so it had to be done. We finally parked, and spent all of an hour in Philadelphia. We saw the Liberty Bell, and like the tourists we were, took pictures, both of it and alone. I will not be posting pictures of myself, but here is a picture of the Bell, and a close-up of the crack, because why not?

I wish we would have had more time to waste in the city because there is so much more we could have done. The Mint is definitely one thing I want to visit if I ever go back again.

After that we drove to the Mütter Museum. It has all these anatomical oddities, and they even had a small exhibit on the Brothers Grimm. I couldn't look at much of the stuff because I don’t like gory, gross stuff. My sisters enjoyed themselves, and that was the main reason for going.

So readers, I can now cross two things off my bucket list. I seem to just keep finding things to do and get rid of! Little by little, I will be getting to 100 things, and will (hopefully) cross everything off!   

That’s it for this post. Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading!

Bucket List Updated!

Hello everyone!

I know it has been a while, and I apologize profusely. I haven’t had much happen to me recently, and I haven’t felt the need to update you, dear readers. But now I have a reason!

So the 4th of July just passed. I had signed up with a speed dating site in my quest to find love, and they had this pre-4th of July party. So I got a couple of friends to come with me, and we had a blast. I met a guy, and we talked most of the night. At one point, he asked if I wanted another drink, and I said yes, sure, thank you. We went up to the bar and he ordered me a drink for me (I drank Sex on the Beach-es all night). So now I can officially cross off number 48 on my list, which if you really care, I have already done in my bucket list post. A guy has bought me a drink, and not as a round of drinks. It was bought for me with the intention of being nice to me.

I liked the guy, and we exchanged numbers, but I don’t know if anything is going to happen. I hope something does, but if it doesn't, as a friend of mine said: On to the next one.

As I was changing my bucket list post, I realized I have actually completed more than just the one thing on my list. I started collecting decks of cards in the past year, and one of my items is to own 100 of something. As of the last time I counted, I own over 125 decks of cards, each of them unique. So there’s another one! And I own a puppy! I spoke about that in one of my other posts. So in total I have 3 updates to my bucket list!

Well readers, I just wanted to update you on my bucket list, and so I have. So that will be it for this post.

Until next time – I'm Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading!

What is Your Biggest Fear?

Recently, I haven’t had much to do except think. Most of the stuff I think about is pretty standard: my future career, my diet I have to start for my weight loss, my present job and how much I dislike it, my lack of a partner-in-crime, how other people are doing. One thing I’ve been thinking about recently (more than usual, unfortunately) is my biggest fear.

I have the standard fears. Bugs, heights, demons, clowns, of missing out, being alone. But those are all fears that I know at least some people have. The one fear that keeps me up at night, tossing and turning is the fear of not leaving my mark on the world. To quote the words of writer John Green in The Fault in our Stars, “I fear oblivion.”

“So, what does that mean exactly?” I hear you readers wondering in your minds (oh yes, I’m a mind reader). That is by far a great question.

I am afraid of not making a difference in anyone’s life. I am afraid that my life will have no real meaning to anyone except my family. I know that sounds bad, but the way I see it, you’re stuck with your family no matter what. You know, whoever your mom or dad, step-mom or –dad, grandparents, siblings, or even foster parents or adoptive parents and siblings. Even if you cut ties with them, they’re still a part of your life, and you made some kind of difference with them. But that’s not who I’m talking about.

I look at celebrities, and see how much influence they have over people. For example, I HAAAATE the Kardashians (what sane person doesn't?). But now you have people that want lips like Kylie Jenner, a butt like Kim Kardashian, you want people that want to dress like them, look like them, be famous like them. It just mind boggles me because THEY DON’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING!!! They have a show that makes their lives look more glamorous than they really are. If people like that can be so famous and important, then what is my life really worth to others?

An even smaller example I can give. McKayla Maroney (the American gymnast who went to the Olympics in 2012) is a beautiful young lady, there’s no doubt about it. For her competitions, she has to put on makeup, and be flashy, I get that. And I get that on her off days (when she’s not competing for international fame) she doesn’t wear makeup and goes au natural. But that is like any other girl. SO why is it when she does it, everyone has to comment on how amazing she looks without makeup, how perfect she is, how beautiful she is, how great she would look in someone’s bed (yes, I’ve heard that from some guys, gross). Well what about me? I may not be an international gymnast, but I don’t wear makeup some days. I have great skin, no acne scars, the only real problem would be the dark circles under my eyes, and those will go away once I get a good night’s sleep. So why does no one comment on how great I look? I mean, unless I don’t look great, which in that case, I should probably shut up and stop complaining.

The whole point of this rant was to say how I just want to make a difference in a person’s life for the better. I don’t want to be a first girlfriend that gives the guy all the experiences he needs to find his true love. I want to be the one that turns into the true love. I want to be remembered for more than just the annoying girl from high school, or college, or work. I want to be remembered for being the life of the party at least once. I want to be the legacy.

That’s it for this post. Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.

Musings On The Way of My Internal World

So far this year, all my days seem to kind of blend together. It’s already MAY. These last few months have gone by so quickly, it’s scary. Probably because there is no variety to my life. Each week day is the same, with a slight change on days I have classes. The weekends have wither one of two things happening: errands or TV. There’s nothing that really changes the schedule.

It also doesn't help my happiness level. I’ve been trying to lose weight, and for a while, I was doing really well! I was a little away from my goal weight, but unfortunately I plateaued. So I stopped the heavy-duty dieting, and relaxed the restrictions I put on myself. Now I need to get back on that diet and exercise grind. I have an incentive to lose weight too. When I hit my (first) goal weight, I am going to reward myself with a new tattoo! I have a whole bunch of ideas. I may start a sleeve, or maybe another back tattoo. A collar tattoo could be nice (well more like the top of my shoulder), or even a foot tattoo.

Here are some ideas I have:
Radiohead lyrics
the rose from Beauty and the Beast (stained glass)
“Pure Imagination” (a concept from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
a fairy as a pin up (Actually, I’m only getting that if I ever make the show Ink Master)

I was talking to a friend the other day, and i realized I'm not happy, more than normal. i can't even enjoy a drink with a friend without being bombarded by internal thoughts and questions and what-ifs. For example, my friend is a very attractive young woman, and it would be fun to maybe get physical even a little, sort of explore my options. however, i think she is very much into men. plus, i'm probably not attractive to her anyway.

i constantly have to analyze my situations, try and figure out everything to see if i'm doing things right.

My dear readers, i apologize for not hiving as much to say in this post, or in my last few posts. i also apologize for not posting new and exciting posts as frequently as i could. it has been very hard for me to find something to be excited about. i have an idea for my next post, and hopefully i can get my thoughts across coherently. i also hope this next post doesn't take two months to post.

Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.

Lost and Confused

My name is Charlotte and I am an education addict (group: "Hi Charlotte").

This is my second term back in school after being out for a while, and I still don't know what I want to do as a career. Does anyone really ever know? The reason I went back was to try and find something I like,  which should have been done the first thine around. I should rephrase that. I went back to find something I like that I can have a good paying job in.

I've thought about what would be fun for me, what I would enjoy if I had to do the same thing every day. I'm an odd duck. I like history and math ( I know, that's probably the weirdest combination ever).

Here's the problem with trying to find a job I would actually like... either they don't exist, or they wouldn't pay anything! For example if would be awesome to be a math historian. But where the hell would I get a job like that?!

Partially, the reason I went back to school is because of my dad. He wanted me to go and get my master's degree right away after I graduated college, and I fully intended to. But trying to find a full time job, and trying to make money so I didn't have to depend on my parents was really more important to me. So I ended up dropping out of grad school after only being in it for a couple months, and I took time off to work. I promised my dad I would go back to school, and I did.

He and I had a conversation recently about my current school situation. Right now, I'm paying for my own classes, which is fine. But I haven't found anything that looks like it will push me in the right direction of what master's degree to get. So I told him I was thinking of not taking any classes next semester. I had determined I proved I was able to get right back into the swing of things when it comes to classes and classwork, and he was ok with it. He told me it was ok and if that was what I wanted to do, then fine.

Dear readers, my father and I do not have the best relationship. But that story is definitely for another post. The last thing I will say is this. I hope to a God I don't believe in, that I do find what I want to do, get a master's degree, and get a job I love doing.

That's it for this post - I'm Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading!

Blast From the Past Part 2

Hello readers! Here's what's happened since he contacted me.

He messaged me on Facebook, said he found me through an old message. He made a little small talk, and when push came to shove, he basically wanted to try to be friends again. So I said ok. First mistake on my part.

We started texting. He said he wanted to be my friend, but he isn't "good at asking questions". I'm sorry but if I wanted to make someone my friend, I would make it my career to find out things about them, which is what I did. I asked question after question, I asked him things I wanted to know, I asked him stuff I wanted him to ask me. Even if he would have turned it around and asked me right back, I would've been ok with that! But instead I just let it go. Second mistake.

I also still have a slight crush on him. And apparently my head is on a stupid rampage. I have a hidden longing for him to still be my boyfriend, and I'm trying everything in my power to make him see how wonderful a person I am so he'll want to date me. That was my third and final mistake.

I tried fixing it. I told him why I was so frustrated with him, since he can't keep a conversation going without talking about himself. I sent him a six page text telling him how I felt and how I want things to progress, and all he said was that he wasn't trying to lead me on. I feel like taking screenshots of my message and just showing everyone.

But here is what I'm going to do (you dear readers get to know first. Well, second. Anthony got to know first). I'm going to tell him if he REALLY wants to try and rebuild this burnt down bridge, he's going to do it himself. I will not text him first, and if the texting dies down, I'm not going to pick it back up. He has to prove he wants to be my friend. I still haven't told him, but I'm going to let our previous conversation stew a little.

Well readers, that's it for now. I may keep you updated on how this "friendship" goes, if it's worth talking about. Until next time - I'm Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading!

Blast From the Past

A guy from my college years contacted me recently. Our relationship was... controversial to say the least.

Here is the background you guys need to really evaluate this relationship. But remember, everything is gonna sound bad.

I met him my sophomore year of college. I had seen him around campus, and I thought he was so attractive. I was (am) very shy and self-conscious, and there was no way I was going to talk to him by myself. Then one random day, I was eating lunch with a friend, and she took us to the table he was sitting at. I found out we had the same major, and we had a little bit in common.

It wasn't until a few months later that I spoke to him again. He started dating my friend, let's call her Sparrow, and they were the cutest couple. I didn't care that I liked him, I had no shot of ever being with him anyway. He dated these super hot girls ( Sparrow was good looking, I think definitely better looking than me. She was Hispanic so had those va- va-va hips and butt) and I was just plain Jane. But it gave me a chance to interact with him in a way that I never could before. I cried over a guy to Sparrow, and he was there and comforted me, kind of. We became acquaintances.

I spent the summer at school, taking summer courses. Sparrow was there as a summer RA,  and he came back halfway through the summer for something or other. Sparrow went home for a week vacation, and he and I basically spent every waking moment together. He would buy lunch, I would buy dinner. We watched movies in a lounge together, and we became closer.

Things got a little odd after that. I spent the night in his room one night, and he and I hooked up. For clarification, we did not, I repeat, DID NOT have sex. What we did will not actually be spelled out, but clothes were never taken off. We never talked about it, and he seemed to almost forget about it, but I couldn't. This guy I had a crush on liked me enough to fool around with me. Obviously I never told Sparrow, and neither did he.

By the time the semester started, their relationship was doomed for failure (honestly it was doomed from about month 3). He and Sparrow broke up about 3 weeks into the semester. I was friends with both of them, so I would have had to pick a side under normal circumstances.

This dear readers, is where it gets slightly confusing. Sparrow had said I didn't have to pick a side. She knew I was friends with both of them, and she said I could stay that way. Now I admit, I might have slightly taken sides and hung out with him more, but in my defense, what girl wouldn't hang out with a guy she likes that has suddenly become available? And honestly I don't believe in Girl Code or whatnot. This is a dog eat dog world, and if the guy is a good catch, I'm going to go for him regardless of my friendships (sorry for the rant now back to the story). He and I ended up sleeping together, and a rumor spread that I slept with him. Sparrow found out, and I denied vehemently.

So much happened in the span of a couple of months, it's a giant blur. He and I hung out, we had sex one other time, and after that, he slept with other girls. Sparrow hated my guts, and had her friends hate me too. Petty high school stuff. It all came to a standoff when I was cutting his hair one day. He and Sparrow were texting, and he told her the truth because he wasn't going to hide our friendship. She came to his dorm room, and literally push came to shove. She pushed me, another RA was called, and the cops were called too. She moved out a week later.

I thought of him as my best friend. But what he really was, was a moocher. He would ask me for everything. He wanted to go somewhere, I drove him. He wanted to do something, I'd do it with him. People thought we were dating because we were together all the time. Even though we weren't, I wanted that so bad. He cheated on every girlfriend he had, and I was willing to look past all that. But all I was to him was someone that had no shot, but was kept around because he could use me.

Then he met Kathy. Kathy was 5 years younger than him, and just staring her college career. She had a boyfriend back home. Keep that in mind, readers. It's not extremely important, but something to take note of. I don't remember how they met exactly, but on the same day they met, they slept in the same bed together, allegedly no having sex. She had a boyfriend, remember? Well the next day, Kathy and her boyfriend broke up, and the day after that, she and he were boyfriend/girlfriend. I was a little heartbroken, but he was my best friend and I was happy for him.

Man, thinking back on it now, so much stuff happened in the four months of that semester, it's beyond comprehension.  Thankfully readers, I am coming close to the end of the back story. Let's see,  where was I? Oh yes...

When it came to his and my relationship, she was very jealous of how close we were. Any time he didn't spend with her, he spent with me, and we even hung out as a group. He and I started planning our futures after college, and one thing we both wanted to do was move to California. So what we planned was we would move out there, find an apartment and live together while I went to Grad school and he got a job in communications somewhere, and Kathy would move out there when she graduated. I found out later she hated the idea and thought I was stupid bitch for thinking he would actually move out there with me.

Right before the semester ended, he got kicked out of the dorms for having sex in his room. Now, our college was Catholic so this was a rule we had to follow. It wasn't easy to get caught, because honestly the only way to get caught would be to be caught in the act. I'll spare you the details, but the main point is he was banned from the dorms. For good measure, they kicked Kathy out for a week, and they put me on probation because (and I don't know how they heard this rumor) the administration heard I had sex with him, but couldn't kick me out since they had no proof. Since it was so close to the end of the semester, he had to find somewhere to live for a couple of weeks. He was able to stay at a friend's apartment until the end of the semester, and it wasn't too far.

However, like the stupid schlub I was, I woke up every morning extra early and drove to pick him up and take him to class. We were in most of the same classes, so it gave him a reason to actually go, and a reason for me to see him. I even drove Kathy around sometimes, which she actually thanked me for. It just happened to be during one of those me driving him back that he wanted to hook up. We didn't have sex, but what we did would be technically cheating on his part. I was the other woman, again.

The entire two weeks he was off campus, I went looking for apartments for him, I looked close, I looked far, and I couldn't find anything. He said he was looking, but I knew he wasn't. He was too busy sleeping with Kathy and reaping the benefits of him being my friend. When the semester finally ended, I went home and I barely heard from him.

Fast forward a few months to February. The semester had started again, and he never came back. Kathy was living it up with her friends, who by then had started to dislike me as well. I got so frustrated with them, and him, I confided in a friend, we'll name her Lizzie, what he and I had done in the car a few months prior. I was honestly thinking about Kathy and how he was so very close to hurting her.

The day before valentine's day, I get a text message from him calling me a "fucking liar" that I'm "making shit up" and it was ruining his relationship. Apparently Lizzie had texted him asking if what I had told her was true, and it took her almost three hours of talking to get him to admit we maybe made out. At the end of his and my conversation,  where there was lots of cursing, he told me to "keep my fucking mouth shut". After that I would do anything in my power to make Kathy see that I was telling the truth and he was a scumbag. I never got that chance though. Kathy wouldn't talk to me, and believed every lie he told her. So I left it alone.

They broke up 4 months later, and he sent me a message on Facebook saying he was an idiot for picking a bitch over our friendship. We hadn't spoken since.

Readers, I know this post is long. It is a lot longer than intended. So I'm going to leave it here and continue in another post. Hopefully it won't take me a month to get to it.

Until next time - I'm Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.

An Update and Some Loneliness

I have been wracking my brain for the last few days trying to figure out what to say in a new blog post. I know I have been neglectful, and I’m sorry. But the only thing I can up with is how lonely I am, how alone I feel. It is almost as if nothing is happening on a day to day basis. No big breakthroughs, no little things.

I should really rephrase that. There are definitely things happening. The first being that I got a puppy.

This beautiful little Shih Tzu is named Charlie, and she (yes she is a she) is almost 6 months old. Right now she is the love of my life, but unfortunately I don’t think I am hers (that title belongs to my mom). She sees me more as a play thing.

The second thing that happened that is of some importance is that I went speed dating last month. I started the night with a headache and the lowest of expectations, and I ended the night with a headache and a parking ticket. There were some nice guys and there were some duds (well a lot of duds really). In the end I only picked two people, and they both matched. I bet you can guess how those two matches went if I’m writing a post about being lonely.

So what else have I done besides play with a puppy? I went to work, I read on the commute to and from work, I played video games at night before bedtime (my sister has the Xbox hooked up, so I played Fable III recently. I was not happy with the outcome, and I’m this close to starting over and saving everyone’s life). I even started the spring semester at (insert college name here). I pined for guys at work that I have no shot at, and actually tried to flirt with people. I gained some of the weight that I had lost. I drank lots of decaf coffee. I let my nails grow, painted them funky colors, and then accidentally bit some of them off, but thankfully they grow back.

I think I’m done with this post because I just realized this is something else I do alone. And there is no one I know that actually reads this. So in a world of 7 billion people, I am once again... alone.

 

That’s it for this post. Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.

Mandatory New Year's Post

Hello people of the blogosphere!

Happy New Year! I’m not sure why I’m putting this, but it seems to be the right thing to do.

So on most blogs (I’m assuming) people probably do the New Year’s resolutions and what they want to accomplish for the year. I didn’t make any this year, and I’m really glad. Normally, I’d jump at the chance to have something to look forward to. But this year, I’ve decided to change my stance. I put too much emphasis on things being perfect and trying to plan things in my life. I’m just going to go on with my life and have normal goals, not these extreme things I want to accomplish.

Today’s post is mostly a short ramble, but I felt I needed to update everyone on my life. I mean, that’s what a blog is supposed to be.

That’s really it for today, so until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading J