What is Your Biggest Fear?

Recently, I haven’t had much to do except think. Most of the stuff I think about is pretty standard: my future career, my diet I have to start for my weight loss, my present job and how much I dislike it, my lack of a partner-in-crime, how other people are doing. One thing I’ve been thinking about recently (more than usual, unfortunately) is my biggest fear.

I have the standard fears. Bugs, heights, demons, clowns, of missing out, being alone. But those are all fears that I know at least some people have. The one fear that keeps me up at night, tossing and turning is the fear of not leaving my mark on the world. To quote the words of writer John Green in The Fault in our Stars, “I fear oblivion.”

“So, what does that mean exactly?” I hear you readers wondering in your minds (oh yes, I’m a mind reader). That is by far a great question.

I am afraid of not making a difference in anyone’s life. I am afraid that my life will have no real meaning to anyone except my family. I know that sounds bad, but the way I see it, you’re stuck with your family no matter what. You know, whoever your mom or dad, step-mom or –dad, grandparents, siblings, or even foster parents or adoptive parents and siblings. Even if you cut ties with them, they’re still a part of your life, and you made some kind of difference with them. But that’s not who I’m talking about.

I look at celebrities, and see how much influence they have over people. For example, I HAAAATE the Kardashians (what sane person doesn't?). But now you have people that want lips like Kylie Jenner, a butt like Kim Kardashian, you want people that want to dress like them, look like them, be famous like them. It just mind boggles me because THEY DON’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING!!! They have a show that makes their lives look more glamorous than they really are. If people like that can be so famous and important, then what is my life really worth to others?

An even smaller example I can give. McKayla Maroney (the American gymnast who went to the Olympics in 2012) is a beautiful young lady, there’s no doubt about it. For her competitions, she has to put on makeup, and be flashy, I get that. And I get that on her off days (when she’s not competing for international fame) she doesn’t wear makeup and goes au natural. But that is like any other girl. SO why is it when she does it, everyone has to comment on how amazing she looks without makeup, how perfect she is, how beautiful she is, how great she would look in someone’s bed (yes, I’ve heard that from some guys, gross). Well what about me? I may not be an international gymnast, but I don’t wear makeup some days. I have great skin, no acne scars, the only real problem would be the dark circles under my eyes, and those will go away once I get a good night’s sleep. So why does no one comment on how great I look? I mean, unless I don’t look great, which in that case, I should probably shut up and stop complaining.

The whole point of this rant was to say how I just want to make a difference in a person’s life for the better. I don’t want to be a first girlfriend that gives the guy all the experiences he needs to find his true love. I want to be the one that turns into the true love. I want to be remembered for more than just the annoying girl from high school, or college, or work. I want to be remembered for being the life of the party at least once. I want to be the legacy.

That’s it for this post. Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.