Some Great News!!!

I’m on a train in Spain. I seem to always find a time to write when I’m on transportation going from one long distance destination to another.

First and foremost, I’m in Spain. I went to Spain and celebrated New Year’s Eve and Day in a different country. That was an experience to say the least. Being in a new place with people you barely know - being part of a celebration that is basically revered all over the world - was something I never thought I would have experienced.

I feel like the month of December has been a whirlwind of events and happenings. Quite a few things happened that I feel you, readers of the blogiverse, should know. So let’s get to it!

Thanksgiving is dumb, but just before that, a guy I was talking to a few months back, decided to send me a message looking to catch up. I met this guy online in September (let us call him Andrew), and we had a lunch date at a sushi restaurant. It was a pretty good first date as dates go, but at the time, I had my heart set on the guy from Philadelphia (did I talk about him before? Now I don’t remember, and I’ll have to go back and take a look). I really wanted Philly and I to work out, so I didn’t want to try dating anyone else. So instead of flat out rejecting Andrew, I just let it kind of fizzle out. I can’t say I ghosted him, because I would always answer when he texted me, but when he asked me out a second time, I say I didn’t know when I would be free and would have to let him know. Eventually he stopped messaging me, and I honestly thought he was just going to be a failed almost boyfriend and new Facebook friend.

It was a nice surprise when Andrew randomly started talking to me again. By the time he messaged me, I had come to realize Philly was never gonna happen, so I figured, why not give this new guy a shot? I’ve got nothing to lose. We messaged. And messaged. And messaged. For three days straight, from 10 AM to 10 PM, we talked to each other. What we talked about, I don’t really remember. I believe when we started, we were talking about his ferret, which he had recently put to sleep because of cancer, but after that, we talked about anything and everything. The day after Thanksgiving, he told me he was going to a video game competition. He thought it sounded nerdy, but I thought it was cool, and when he asked if I wanted to go, I said yes. I imagined it would be a new experience, something that I might not ever do again, but at least I could say I went out of my comfort zone.

Andrew kissed me for the first time that night. We were sitting in his car before going in to the venue, and he looked at me from across the car. I could tell he wanted to kiss me the entire time we were in the car, so it was really great when he leaned over his console toward me and kissed me. I hadn’t had a good kiss in a long time. It seemed to be something I needed. He told me he had wanted to do that for a long time. As the night progressed, we would get closer and closer in the venue, and went outside every chance we could. We teased each other, but he kept saying he wanted to take things slow, he didn’t want to rush things. I admired that, but i still wanted to see how far I could take it.

During the competition, I met his friends, I hung out and watched people play video games, I talked to a couple of people myself. I was a nice time. We went out to eat with a whole group, and he drove some other people to the train station, and me home. I knew I liked this guy, and really wanted to show him. I won’t go into detail, but let me just tell you I didn’t go home until 3 AM.

Fast forward. Andrew and I have been hanging out, we’ve been on dates, I’ve been to his house and met some of his family, he’s been to mine and met my family. We were having a great time. He was invited to his friend’s baby shower, and asked if I wanted to be his date. I said I would love to be, and we went. I met more of his friends, a different set, and had a great time. That night, I slept over his house for the first time. It wasn’t this magical night, but I got to have sex before bed, and I got to have morning sex. It was an interesting feeling to say the least. It just sucked that I was sick.

We decided to spend the day in The City. He had kind of planned out an afternoon, but there was nothing definite. So we went to a place that we both would like - The Nintendo Store. While walking there, Andrew explained his overall plan. Before I knew the ending, I shot his idea down. He told me he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend while on a carriage ride. I don’t like carriage rides, which is ironic because I am the queen of cheesy love things. So we went to the store and he walked around and marveled, played video games, looked at the merchandise. As we’re walking around, I make a joke about being his Princess Peach. Andrew asked me if I really wanted to be his Princess, and I said yes. Ladies a gentlemen, readers of all ages, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! I have an amazing guy that makes my heart pound, that gives me goosebumps when I think about him, that likes me for me, and makes me feel truly loved (even though it is way too early to be saying the L-word just yet. I’m pretty sure I’m in love, but that is besides the point). I think about him when I wake up and I fall asleep with him on my mind.

I’m so afraid he is going to wake up one day and realize I’m not this great person that he says I am. I’m terrified he’s going to find some fault in me that he can’t live with, that I’m going to piss him off so much, or gross him out, or something that makes him “realize” I’m not worth the effort, and that he would be better off without me.

Man, this is surreal.

So after all this was said and done, I still had a trip to Spain booked. I was still going to spend New Year’s in a foreign country. The main difference was that when people started talking about their boyfriends, I could actually input. I didn’t have to worry about what I looked like, I wasn’t looking for any hookups, and I wasn’t looking to snag myself a cute Spaniard. I could message someone every night that wasn’t a family member before bed and know that Andrew was thinking about me.

There is so much going on for this trip, that to start explaining everything would be too much. I think I’ll wait for the next post (and the end of the trip) to talk about the amazingness that was Barcelona, that will be Madrid, Granada, Seville and Malaga. I can’t wait to see what’s in store.

That’s it for this post. Until next time - I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading!

I Can’t Do This Alone Anymore

I was on a bus going from Washington, DC to home last night. This past weekend should have been amazing, and for the most part it was. I saw friends, I saw family, I saw monuments and national cemeteries, I even got to see the inside of the Pentagon. It was everything I could have dreamed of for a trip to DC (except the Jefferson Memorial, that thing is the bane of my existence right about now!). But one thing I didn’t count on was thinking about a guy all weekend. Or having an existential crisis. Or having what might have been a small panic attack in the middle of said national cemetery. I didn’t think I would have thoughts about jumping in the Lincoln Reflecting pool at 10:00 PM while walking next to it. I didn’t think I would come to the realization that I need to get help. I need professional help.

I know I’ve talked about my moods a lot in past blog posts. But as much as I like to complain about it, I never really did anything about it. I never went to go find the help I should have gotten when I was 13 and making cuts on my skin. I should’ve gone to get help when in college I told my baby sister that I hated myself so much, but the only reason I wouldn’t kill myself is because I love her too much, and I never wanted to put her through that pain of losing me. Well, now that baby sister is a grown woman, and I’m starting to think about it again...

The thoughts aren’t always there. Sometimes I’m really super happy and things are going really well. Other times, I’m just content with how things are going, like life sucks sometimes, but I can pull through. And to be completely honest, I don’t know where these thoughts are coming from. I have a great job that I love with amazing benefits (like a free education) and have a chance to get a raise in, if not a promotion one day. I have a house that will one day belong to my sisters and I. While I could be doing more to save a little bit of money, I have the opportunity to travel and go places that I never thought I would ever visit. I spend money on tattoos that are beautiful pieces of art. I have every reason to be happy. And yet...

I realize the times I’m the most unhappy are the times when I’m alone, when the chance for my mind to wander is greater. When I’m not hearing about other people, or thinking about work, my mind thinks about all the things that, if I changed them, my life could potentially be better. If I wasn’t overweight, if I didn’t drink so much, if I exercised, if I went out more, if I actually used the dating apps I have accounts on, if I had a boyfriend, not just guys who call me when they want to have sex with me, if I kept in touch with friends more. There are so many ifs that I could change in my life. When I have nothing else going on (like right now while I’m typing this blog post) my mind harps on it. And it’s not like I can think it, go “You know what, grow up and be happy with what you have,” and actually move on. I can’t move past some things.

I think that’s my main problem. I can’t let things go and move past them. Every pain that I’ve been caused, every hurt and injustice that’s been done to me, seems to linger heavy on my soul. I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know what to do.

On December 1st, I will have my own insurance (through my job and not under my parents’ plan), and the first thing I’m going to do is find and go make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I really do think I’m at that point where if I don’t do something about this, I may end up doing something stupid. I need to get my mental wellbeing in check, and if that means giving up some vices and sacrificing some stuff, then so be it.

I cannot live another year of my life like this. Especially if I’m going to be by myself while traveling.

That’s it for this post. Until next time - I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.

Birthday Post, Because Why Not?

Ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, my birthday was yesterday! *plays party music in background* Happy birthday to me!! No, but seriously, I hate telling people it’s my birthday, so this is a big deal. At the same time, no one I know reads this blog, so I feel like I’m in the clear. I mean, I’m Charlotte Carmichael, an internet nobody! I get excited when I have one view of my page. I’m never going to be a Carrie Bradshaw, where people are waiting to read my next column. I’ve gotten used to the fact that I’m just another person writing my thoughts down. I’m just another millennial that feels unaccomplished and unhappy with my life, and feels the need to complain about my “problems”. But I digress.

A while ago I was looking at my previous posts, and I realized I’ve never actually said my age. I’ve always found a way around saying it. Why I did that, I have no idea! So guys and gals, I turned 26 years old yesterday. Phew, it feels so good to actually say it. But at the same time, I feel horrible saying how old I really am; I feel like I have too many “problems” for someone so young-ish, or that I care too much sometimes.

BUT ANYWAY! I’m 26 years old, and I see my birthday as my New Year’s celebration. So I make sort of resolutions. So what have I decided to do this year? I’m GLAD YOU ASKED! A few years ago, I said I wanted to stop wasting money, get an education, lose weight, etc. To be honest, all my goals are exactly the same. But one thing I also want to try is to be more social. I have a hard time keeping in touch with people, and I’ve recently been reconnecting with friends. I want to reconnect with people I haven’t spoken to in years. There’s no reason why I can’t keep friends for longer than a few months, or why I can’t be more than just Facebook friends. If I have to start traveling to make sure I see people, I might just do that. Plus, I get to cross things off my bucket list!!

My first stop is actually Washington, D.C.. As we speak, I am on a bus on the way to our beautiful national capital. I wanted to spend my birthday weekend away from the “beautiful” city I live in, and wanted to explore somewhere I hadn’t really been. There were some other ideas thrown in the ring, but my boss gave me this idea, and I never would’ve thought of it myself. So kudos to my boss!! And it just so happens, there are two wonderful young ladies that I met at a concert last year that live in Virginia, so it’s easy for me to see them. I can’t wait to spend time with them.

At the same time, I can’t wait to spend time exploring. I plan on exploring alone because unfortunately I did not have a special person to go with. There’s a guy that I’m kind of (actually super really) interested in, and while I had asked if he wanted to come with me, he was busy this weekend. So I’m going stag, and I’m not chasing him. But that’s a totally different blog post, one for a much later day.

Well readers of the blogosphere, I know this is a relatively short post, but I thought I would have more to say. I didn’t, but I know I should post more often, so here it is! Until next time - I’m Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading! :-)

Dealing with Depression Part 2

It's been a minute since I wrote about my childhood and my unhappiness, and I just realized something. I've never technically been diagnosed with depression. I've spent a lot of time thinking maybe I am, that maybe I should go to a doctor and get an actual diagnosis. But there are times when I feel great, where things are going fine in my life, and I feel like I'm probably overreacting.

So what I want to do is fix things on my own. I like being an independent person, and I don't want to have to ask for help. I know there's nothing wrong with asking for help, that people are there to get you to a good place in your life. And I'm definitely not knocking other people that get the help they need, I just think I don't have the strength to get help. But at the same time, I really do feel I can do it myself. The first step is just lose some weight, and lose the extra fat I have built up. I know I can do it. That's the strength I need to have.

This post is all over the place. But I don't want to delete it because I worked on it, and what I've written will hopefully keep me accountable.

That's it for this post. Until next time - I'm Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading.

Dealing with Depression Part 1

Chester Bennington died by hanging on Thursday, July 20th, 2017. The lead singer of Linkin Park went through a lot, there's no denying that. As everyone keeps saying, he was very vocal about his past, abuse, and unhappiness. Chris Cornell's death a few months ago clearly affected him, and while it took a toll on many people in the music industry, it seemed to really affect him enough to make him want to kill himself.

I went to a concert on the Saturday after that incident, and I listened to Jared Leto talk about how great Chester was and how amazing the conversations they had were. Hearing that made me really think. There was once a time when I thought about suicide. I had seriously considered it. I was barely a teenager, and I hated everything about myself. I was smart, so I got bullied. I wasn't the prettiest, so I got bullied. I wasn't social, so I got bullied. I liked to read and learn, so I definitely got bullied for that. Anything I did wasn't good enough for anyone. I learned easily so I didn't really need to study, but if I didn't read my textbooks, my father would punish me. I wanted to be social and hang out with my classmates, but my mother didn't have the time to pick me up from places. I wanted to be liked, but I wasn't invited to parties, or invited to dance at dances, and when I was invited, it was done as a dare or a joke.

By the time I was finishing middle school, I wanted everything to stop. I wanted the pain to end, I wanted to stop being unhappy, and if things couldn't get better by just getting through it, maybe it should've just ended permanently. I wanted to kill myself. I started cutting, dragging a scissor across my wrist, slightly knicking the skin. It would hurt, but I dealt with it; it was a pain I could control, and didn't have to worry about other people inflicting it. But I think I did it more for the attention. I ended up showing the scars off to someone at school, and the guidance counselor was called in. I spent time talking to him, and I tried to explain how I felt, and he brushed it off. How does a guidance counselor brush off the fact that a young person is blatantly stating that they are unhappy and depressed? I took a clinical dictionary off the bookshelf, and read the definition of depression. I stood there smirking; someone would finally believe me, after all this time. But I couldn't be depressed because (and I quote) "You're smiling right now!"

The only thing that saved me after that day was the saving grace of my baby sister. I love her beyond words, and I never wanted to have her hurt or feel the way I did. As long as she was alive and present in my life, I would not change that for anything.

I've been dealing with unhappiness for the last X years of my life. There are ups and downs, a lot more downs than ups. I've tried to get some help, and for about a year during college, I went to a counselor and talked about things. I cried during a lot of the sessions, but unfortunately things didn't get better. I thought about going to an actual psychiatrist, and looked into some, ones that had Saturday appointments, but no one followed up. So I gave up looking.

I know there is more to this story, but I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I think this blog post is over for today, but I will pick this story up when I get a chance to collect my thoughts.

Until next time - I'm Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.

What’s in the Past Should Stay There, No?

Nostalgia is as common a feeling for me as happiness, sadness, hunger. I spend most of my time thinking back on my life: how many people I’ve met; all the chances I made; all the opportunities I missed. Did I make a mistake by not keeping in touch with the people I once called friends? Did I ruin things by having a friends with benefits, and not following through? Did I allow my emotions to get the better of me? Actually the answer to that last one is almost always yes.

There are so many things I wish I could have done differently. I wish I would’ve gone to a different school for college. I wish I would have had more experiences. I wish I would have stood up for myself and tried to make new friends when I had the chance. I wish I wouldn’t have been so picky about the guys that I wanted to date. I wish I would have watched my weight, tried working out more, really getting into fitness. I wish books and reading wouldn’t have dictated my life so much, and that I would have been more into video games. I wish I wouldn’t have fallen down the rabbit hole that is podcasts. I wish I would’ve stopped while I was ahead. I wish I didn’t go to concerts by myself. I wish I wouldn’t have been so damn annoying, and that I had friends to go on trips with.

But at the same time, those choices I made at those times made who I am today. Had I not gone to the college I went to, or if I had even transferred out like I wanted to, I wouldn’t have met the people I did, made friendships that still mean something to me today. Because I got my degree the way I did, it led me to all these other choices, like the decision to start temping, and that eventually leading to my first job. Had I not been miserable there, I wouldn’t have made a good friend I would bitch to, or look for (and ultimately find) the job I’m at now.

Had I not been big on reading, I might have never found podcasts, and had I not started listening to podcasts, I wouldn’t have found things I’m really interested in. I wouldn’t have found true crime podcasts, and found my random love of serial killers. I would’ve never read Thomas Harris’ series on Hannibal Lecter, or watched “The Silence of the Lambs.” I wouldn’t have found psychological thrillers, probably one of my favorite genres.

I would’ve missed all the concerts I went to had I not gone by myself. I wouldn’t have seen a The Smiths tribute band, or The Pixies, or Simple Plan. I’ve been able to see all these bands that I never would’ve dreamed of seeing. I’m so thankful that I got the opportunity, and it was because I went by myself that I got to see them.

I have so many past “regrets” that I now question everything I do and say in my present life. Does this person like me, am I making a fool of myself, does the person even care about what I’m saying, should I just keep to myself and not even reach out to anyone? Am I too fat for anyone to care about, does this shirt make me look bigger than I really am, are these pants too tight, does this hairstyle make me look stupid, should I change my whole outfit?

Nostalgia sucks, especially when you use it to look back and replay all your faults. But now the question is “What does this mean for me? How do I change the way I feel about myself?” I wish I could tell you I have the answer, but I really have no clue. I have to stop letting things bother me so easily. I have to stop thinking about what-ifs and shoulda-coulda-wouldas. I should be looking toward the future, not necessarily worrying about what could happen, but keeping in mind the idea that people, places, memories come and go, and that I shouldn’t try to change things already in motion. If I don’t try to change now, nothing is going to get better, and I’m going to end up miserable and alone way more than I already am.

That’s it for this post. Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading.

(Re)Brand, (Re)New, (Re)Start

HELLO BLOGIVERSE!!!!! GUESS WHO'S BACK??!!!

Ok, now that I'm done being super excited about starting up the blog again, I want to apologize for being completely silent for the past year and a half. I know I don't have many readers, and I know my content isn't super exciting, but I want to deeply thank anyone that has been reading. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate you. Because of those few readers I have, I'm going to start updating my blog more often, hopefully making content that is entertaining for you, and a huge release of pent up feelings for me.

This blog post will be short; I already plan it to be. The main reason for this blog is to just show that I am in this for the long haul. I have rebuilt my page, and have added personal touches. I am rebranding myself, renewing my passion for writing, and restarting this blog. I will be a new Charlotte Carmichael, and be someone that matters, even if I matter just to myself.

Next post will be an update. What's been going on with me in the last 1.5 years?! You'll just have to come back to find out! Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading!

Today is My Birthday, and the Start of a New Outlook

So today is my birthday. Not that anyone really knows that. That’s really not a big deal, I don’t care. Honestly, I would rather they not know. It seems so disingenuous when Facebook has to remind you it’s someone’s birthday. Anyway, that’s not the point of this blog post.

The point of this post is to tell everyone that I have decided to celebrate this birthday like New Years. Now I don’t mean having a ball drop at midnight and everyone drinking champagne and celebrating. I mean I’m going to make today the start of a newer outlook on life. Everyone has their resolutions that they almost never keep. But I am making a promise to you, people of the blogiverse, that I will keep my promises and change things in my life for the better.

First promise: I will lose weight. There’s no denying I have some extra poundage, and my attempts in the past have been half-hearted and futile. Starting now, I will do better at sticking to the diet plan I have set out for myself. In the past, I was very strict about what I ate, and while I won’t be going to the extremes I did last time, I will still be cutting back on things I love (like ice cream. So gooood)

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Promise number 2: I will put myself out there more. For the last two years, I have been complaining about not being on any dates or having anyone. One of my main problems is being so self-conscious about myself; I don’t really like myself, and I feel I am boring and uninteresting. While I know that is not going to change overnight, I will try to overcome that fear, and start talking to people. I will try to smile more and look more approachable. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out every night to a bar and try to hook up with people. What I may do is go to a few more speed dating events, and maybe I’ll create an online dating profile.

Third promise: I will try harder on my appearance. One thing I tend to do is hide my physical attributes (while also hiding my physical “flaws”). From now on, I will try to put on a little bit of make up whenever I go out, and stop always wearing my frumpy cardigans that show no curves. While I can’t completely stop that, I could try to take them off at work and actually show off whatever outfit I have on that day.

Promise number 4: I will try to get my education back on track. I have been holding off getting a Master’s degree, mainly because I don’t want to deal with going back to school. But my job partially pays for education relevant to my field, and since I’m in a business-y field, I can get an MBA. What I will do is research online programs, and find one that is from a reputable college while being affordable. I have already looked at Southern New Hampshire University, so it’s a start.

Fifth and (for now) final promise: I will stop spending so much money on frivolous items. I know this kind of goes against my previous promise, but I mean for other things. For example, later today I am going to the gym where I have a membership, and putting freeze on it, for both my sister and myself. I’m paying $45 a month for both of us (which is pretty cheap), but we haven’t used it in over a month. I may use it in the future (which is why I’m freezing it and not canceling it outright), but for right now, neither of us have the time to go. I will also start bringing lunch from home. Not only will I save money, it will also help with my weight loss promise.

Well readers, that seems to be all of my thoughts for now. The last thing I want to say is this: Last year was probably one of the worst years of my life. I am just grateful it is over, and I really can’t wait to see what this year has in store. Happy Birthday to me!

Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading!

Summer Recap, I Guess

Hello everyone of the blogiverse!  Thanks for checking in and catching up! I know it's been a while, and I am so sorry about that. I have no excuse, except that I'm a very boring individual. Now that summer is almost officially over, I guess it’s time to give everyone an update on how my summer went.

My job has really been the same. I go to work, I make meetings, I cancel meetings, I make car appointments, and I print things out; same things I do on a normal day-to-day basis. In the middle of August, I finally got a nice break from it... sort of.

I went with my family to Florida for two weeks. While it was a fun time, I did have my emotional ups and downs. There are times when my father and I don’t get along, and that seemed to happen a lot over those two weeks. I spent the first week in silence because I got so mad at him. It seemed every time I would say something, It would be against what he was thinking, so I was wrong. While he never necessarily said that outright, it would be implied by his actions and his phrasing. I don’t think there was a night I didn't get upset over his words.

The great thing that came from the trip was the fact that I didn't really have to worry about work. I got the occasional email that I would have to answer, but nothing that couldn't have waited until I got back.

Other than that, I just relaxed by the pool, went to Disney World, and had an overall good time.

I really guess that’s it then for my update. Not much else happened. I’m still single, still unhappy, and still worried about everything, but I’m hoping some things will change very soon. I don’t know what exactly will change, but I guess I’m hoping something will.

That's it for this post. Until next time – I'm Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading!

Money Makes My Head Spin

I've been thinking a lot about money recently. How I don’t have enough, how I want more, how can I make/earn/get more. I have a spreadsheet with my spending planned out for the rest of the year. I have credit cards I need to pay off. I’m trying to save some money to eventually buy a house. On top of that, I need to start putting money into a retirement plan, which means my salary would be less. My company hasn't given raises in the last 4 years, so I’m stuck at this low pay grade, and for what I actually do at my job, I don’t get paid enough.

I have two options, it seems: 1) start a life of crime or 2) get a part time/new job.

If I start a life of crime, I will probably get caught. But now I have this random urge to snatch a purse, rummage through and take whatever physical cash the person has. I’m not going to do it, I swear. I just really want to!

If I get a part time job, that means less time to do what I want, less time to sleep, less time for socializing, everything. But it would mean just a little more money every month. A new job would mean actually having to look for one, and nailing an interview. So far, out of 20 jobs I applied for, I've gotten 2 interviews. I made one 2^nd round interview, and then I didn't get that job either. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but I know I’m good at what I do. I’m just not very good at interviews it seems.

Gah, I don’t know what to do!

That’s it for this post. Until next time – I’m Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading!