Who Am I? Will I Ever Find Out?

I am not normal.

I am an old soul. I spend most of my waking hours wishing I lived in a different time period. The Roaring 20s, the Post-War 40s, even the recent 80s. I think today’s society doesn’t understand the leaps and bounds that have happened in science and technology.

I am old-fashioned. I want to have a guy ask me out on a date, walk me to my door and not expect anything at the end of the night except a good night kiss. I want a guy to understand that I don’t want to have sex, not because I am prude, but because I have been hurt. I want to fall in love, get married, and have children. I want to be able to grow old with my husband and have a 50 year wedding anniversary.

I am a nerd. I read books and love learning. I read every type of book, and if I could, I would learn to not sleep so all of my time could be spent learning and expanding my mind. I’ve already graduated college, and all I want to do is go back and take every class I possibly can. I wish there was a job where I could be paid to learn. I never want to stop learning, and I want to be able to at least qualify for a smart game show like Jeopardy!.

I am an introvert. I don’t socialize unless I absolutely have to, and because of it I am socially awkward. I can’t talk to people, and feel every time there is an awkward silence, I did something wrong and the conversation is going to be over. I want to be able to talk to the hot guy at work and ask him out for a drink, or even smile at him and be able to look him the eye.

I am alone. I spend 8 hours a day at work, where the only people that talk to me are coworkers that expect me to do something for them. I spend 3-ish hours on public transportation going to and from work with my headphones on and my nose in a book. I spend 8 hours “sleeping” and one hour grooming (showering, dressing, etc). That leaves a total of 4 hours of free time. I have a total of 4 measly hours that I am supposed to meet new people and live my young life. How is that supposed to work if no one wants to take the time to get to know me, or better yet, catch up with me? What happened to everyone I called a friend in high school, college? Did I become invisible to anyone that isn’t directly looking at me?

More than anything I want someone that sees all these things and loves me for whom I am. I know I am blessed privileged to have everything I do, but the human mind always wants what it can’t have. Does that mean I will never find someone, whether that someone be male-felmale-black-white-asian-spanish-foreign-domestic-skinny-fat, that sees me for my quirks, my habits, my tattoos, my piercings, my faults, my love of learning, my hatred of pennies?

Will my life ever become the romantic comedy I wish it to be?

Until next time … I’m Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading.