Forgive and Forget?

My mom watches a lot of trash TV. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear “Romney Bride,” “Gypsies,” and “Marriage Bootcamp.” There are times when I feel like I don’t deserve my bachelor’s degree because I have to listen to stuff like that.

The show “Marriage Boot Camp” on We TV is probably the one I hate the most. The men and women on these shows are ridiculous. They were all on the show Bridezillas, and now their marriages are falling apart. So they have to go back on TV to try and save their marriages. I think it is bullshit.

There is one thing that I liked about the show though. There was one episode where the men and women had to forgive someone in their lives, whether it be an estranged parent, an ex(girlfriend, wife) or themselves. One person didn’t really feel he had to forgive anyone because they hurt him, why should he have to forgive them? Another woman said she had never forgiven anyone, and she doesn’t know how to do that.

I agreed with both of those people. I’ve had so many people hurt me in my life. I was bullied in school- I was called names that weren’t even remotely possible. I was an awkward-looking preteen, but even though no boy would want to even come near me, I was a whore or a slut. I was smart, so I was a teacher’s pet and a know-it-all. I had no friends, and it was pretty obvious I had none and everyone wanted to make my life a living hell. Why the fuck should I forgive all those people? Why do I have to let it go? It’s not like these people are lining up at my doorstep to apologize to me. I mean, after I started high school, I just happened to see one of the middle school bullies one day, and she ended up calling me a nerd because I went to a good school. I live in the same neighborhood as I did when I was younger, so I am always wary of seeing people I used to know, and how do I know they’re not going to call me a fat fucking slob and make fun of me as I walk away? How do I know if I see a guy from grade school, he’s not going to text his buddies and tell them how ugly I still am?

Like the woman in the show, I don’t think I have ever forgiven someone completely. I can remember almost every argument I’ve had with everyone, and most of those arguments still bother me. An ex-boyfriend I had once made out with a girl at a party. He told me the day after it happened, and even though we were broken up, it still hurt and I hadn’t forgiven him. I used to see him as a good friend, but then he started pushing me away. Now we’re not even acquaintances. To me he fucked up, and he’ll have to somehow make it up to me to even consider talking to him again. But I will never forgive or forget what he did to me.

On the show, the counselors told the woman she had to let something go, or it was going to end up causing her such stress and pain in the long run. I feel like that is what is going to happen to me, and if I don’t start forgiving, I won’t find someone that is going to wait for me to forgive them.

Well, that’s it for this post. Until next time- I’m Charlotte Carmichael, and thanks for reading.