Let’s go back to the past a little so I can sum up everything
for anyone that is reading.
I have videos playing in a browser usually during work, so I
was “watching” this show called ‘Dating in the Dark.’ Now, I’ve seen the US and
Australia versions, so I decided to take a crack at watching the UK version.
Because of that I started thinking… why isn’t this show around anymore? I would
thrive in the dark!
*Now I’m not ugly, but of course the only way you as a
reader would believe that would be if I posted a picture of myself. I’m
definitely not doing that, so think what you want about my physical
attractiveness.*
Anyway! I started picturing the type of guy I would like to
meet, and if he had an accent, it would be perfect! So since there is no more
this show, I decided to do the next best thing – a pen pal. You’re probably
thinking, “Who has pen pals anymore? That’s lame.” For the most part I agree
with you, and honestly, I didn’t really have a reason to do it besides having
no one to talk to and feeling lonely. So I plucked up my courage and picked
someone that sounded kinda cool (which were few and far between). I emailed a
guy, let’s call him Marcus. I emailed Marcus, and a few hours later, he
answered me back. I didn’t want to come off as super eager to have a new
friend, so I waited a day to answer him.
I had no intention of pursuing a romantic relationship over
the internet. Of course the idea crossed my mind, and the idea that this would
be a perfect “Kids, this is the story of how I met your mother/father” story
may have entered into my conscious thought. But we wrote back and forth every
day for a week, writing almost novellas. He wrote beautifully, the way his
words flowed through me, I almost fell in love. He stopped answering me for a
week, and I freaked out. My self-esteem fell through the floor and I felt like I
had done something wrong. When he finally answered me, he apologized and
explained. He was moving, and was packing and finding a new place. So we
continued talking.
We talked about a lot. We talked about my fears and his. We talked
about depression, and happiness. We had covered so many topics in the span of
two weeks, it was unbelievable. I started falling for this guy I didn’t know,
this guy that knew nothing about me. I ended up telling Marcus about this and
we had a chat about it. Long story short, I slowed my feelings down and we
started talking about random things again.
I think the reason I started falling is because he was
someone that was listening to me, someone that was giving me attention. When I started
the pen pal thing, I wanted to find someone I could tell everything to. I wanted
to feel wanted, needed, loved. He made me feel that very easily.
One thing I had wanted was to keep what Marcus looked like –
and what I looked like – a secret. But I got curious. Very curious. I admit I may
have been a bit stalker-ish. I wanted to see if I could find him, just for fun.
He had told me his real name from the get go (well his first name, his last
name was in his email address), and in one of his letters, he had told me his
sister’s name, which was Marissa. He had also said something about Facebook,
and where he is located. So I started searching, first for Marcus, then for
Marissa. I went through so many people. I scared myself a bit to be honest.
And then I found him. I had written something because I wanted
to tell someone, but I couldn’t tell Marcus, and I wasn’t posting stuff on this
blog because I had mentioned it to him once and he hadn’t answered if he wanted
to read it (now I don’t care if he reads it or not). So this is what I had written:
“I found him on
facebook. Only one person knows I found him, and she doesn't seem to be
interested. I can't post this anywhere until I know he won't look. It makes me
look like a stalker. I mean I literally hunted. And I didn't even look for him,
I looked for his sister. I mean, who does something like that?!
He looks like one of my exes. He looks so like him it's weird. He has blondish hair and that face. I don't know how to explain it. He would definitely look better if he were a little skinnier. And he's short, I think. Plus, it looks like he has a girlfriend. His profile hasn't been updated in a year, so they may not be together anymore. But watch that he is.
I have no idea what to do. I know I have to put my guard up, which sucks. He was supposed to be the person I will tell everything to. Now I'm going to have to watch what I say. No more romantic stuff. And now that I know what he looks like, I can't get the picture out of my head, and I'm going to judge him based on his looks. Ah fuck.”
He looks like one of my exes. He looks so like him it's weird. He has blondish hair and that face. I don't know how to explain it. He would definitely look better if he were a little skinnier. And he's short, I think. Plus, it looks like he has a girlfriend. His profile hasn't been updated in a year, so they may not be together anymore. But watch that he is.
I have no idea what to do. I know I have to put my guard up, which sucks. He was supposed to be the person I will tell everything to. Now I'm going to have to watch what I say. No more romantic stuff. And now that I know what he looks like, I can't get the picture out of my head, and I'm going to judge him based on his looks. Ah fuck.”
So there was that. I spent many a night worrying I would
slip and type something that would give it away. But I wanted to confront him.
Did he have a girlfriend? When he told me he wanted to hold me in his arms as I
fell asleep, what did that mean? Was I looking too much into it?
This whole thing was in July only. August was where it went
downhill. My job has a happy hour for its employees that are 21 and over on
Thursday after work. So I went to one, probably the first or second one of the
month. This super hot Australian guy was serving drinks, and in my state of
slight inebriation, I started talking to him. However it honestly went no
further than, “Ooh nice tattoo!” I felt like the biggest piece of crap in the
world. So I wrote Marcus a slightly drunk email about my unhappiness with
myself (that seems to happen every time I’m drunk. Guess I should just stop
drinking alcohol).
Marcus sent me a reply email the next day. Here was the
problem, I wanted to just forget I had ever written it, and I just wanted it to
be more info for him to know about me. Instead he decided to try and talk to me
about fixing my problem. You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? Well looking
back now, I realize that what he wrote was probably the worst thing he could
have written, and I should have told him off. But I didn’t. I went on vacation
instead.
In my defense, the place I went had very bad service for my
phone, and the resort had no free wifi. I’m sorry but I wasn’t paying to get on
the internet. But I ended up waiting a little less than a week and a half to
answer his reply. I had sent him a cautionary email saying I was going on
vacation, and I was busy at work when I got back, so when I answered him, it
was the only time I had free.
It has been over two weeks since I sent him that email, and I
don’t know if I want an answer back from him. Countless times he has told me he
isn’t trying to patronize me, but that’s exactly what his statements sound
like. I really don’t need to be told
that if I believe in myself, I can change. That stupid shit isn’t what I wanted.
I wanted a person I could trust to just listen. I have enough people giving me
their opinions about how I should handle situations.
You know, when I first started this blog post, I wanted to
write about how unhappy I am, and I probably will in my next post. But I’m glad
it panned out the way it did. I feel a small sense of closure writing and
finally telling someone about a pen pal I had high hopes for that, in the end,
disappointed me just like everyone else in my life.
Well, that’s it for this post. Until next time – I’m
Charlotte Carmichael and thanks for reading!
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